I’m in a relationship. I love my boyfriend. I love being in a relationship. I also, though, have some issues. My boyfriend says he loves me, and I normally believe him just like I normally mean it when I say it.
I don’t mean that I don’t always love my boyfriend. You see, I have anxiety. Sometimes people without anxiety don’t understand the extent of the disorder. It is different for everyone, but in many cases anxiety affects its hosts almost constantly.
For me, what this disorder does on a daily basis is question the reality of everything and everyone that I thought I knew.
I will question how much I love my boyfriend and how much he loves me. This generally happens during some sort of episode whether it’s a fight or one of my “freak outs.” Boys aren’t girls, but furthermore, they aren’t you. To be honest, you can fantasize your whole life about a perfect guy, but the truth is, no one knows how to be perfect for anyone else.
When I freak out because I’m mad or for any other reason and I begin to question my love for my boyfriend, I know that it’s only because I’m already upset and that it’s my anxiety. I know this. In the moment, logic doesn’t make any sense to me. Neither does reason. And I want nothing more but for everything to make sense, and for my head to stop spinning.
Just because I’m forced to question my love for my boyfriend doesn’t mean I love him any less. Relationships where one or both parties have anxiety are difficult. I know this first hand. Anxiety can make people lash out. The disorder can make someone question his or her own thoughts.
Special note: If you are in a relationship where your partner has anxiety, remember that he or she doesn’t want to have the disorder. Logic doesn’t always make sense to us, so if he or she is upset remember that what might normally calm someone down might not work. Sometimes they just need to hear what they want. And also, try your hardest to be patient. We know it’s not easy on the other partner either, so thank you for supporting us.