About a week ago, I went to a sexual awareness speaker on my college campus. I went for my sorority, and honestly, that was the only reason I was there. By the time I left, I realized I had been a victim of sexual assault.
I had this boyfriend in highschool. I thought he was the best thing ever. He was basically God in my eyes. I was fifteen and he was sixteen. That meant he could drive, and that was impressive. He was the kind of guy who everyone knew, and for the first time, people thought I must be cool too.
We had been dating for about two months when he started talking about sex. A lot. That wasn’t even something I even conceived could be in my foreseeable future. Every time he brought it up, which was at least once a day, I would just say I wasn’t ready. And that was okay with him I guess, at least for awhile.
About three months into our relationship, one night I snuck over to his house to spend the night. I never wanted to let him down, so when he asked me to take a shower with him, I shyly said, “I’m not sure I’m ready for you to see me naked.” His response was this: “you’re my girlfriend, I’m supposed to see you naked all the time.”
I guess that made sense to me because I did take a shower with him.
We got out of the shower, and he wouldn’t give me my clothes back. I was really annoyed and still uncomfortable standing naked in front of him. When I told him how I felt about it, he said that he was doing me a favor then. By not giving my clothes back, he was helping me become more comfortable around him.
This statement too made sense to me. I was so uncomfortable and self conscious that he would be doing me a favor in the long run.
Then we climbed into bed. Inevitably he began to ask about sex again. All we had done so far was make out; I really didn’t think he could possibly be serious.
I continued to refuse. I said no. Over and over.
When he asked why, I said that I thought I was too young and that I wasn’t ready. He began to explain how he loved me, and if I loved him, I would want to “share that special bond.” After all, he continued, when you have sex with someone, that’s the only time you can actually feel how much they love you. Why wouldn’t I want that? Right?
I did love him, or so I thought. And I wanted him to know that. I still wasn’t convinced I was ready though.
I told him that I wanted to, just not yet. To this comment, his response was that “sex is special. If you can’t understand that then we can’t have a special night like this one again because it’s too mean to me.”
Afraid for our relationship and afraid of losing this amazing guy, I agreed. And then I agreed every time after.
What happened during this relationship wasn’t right. It’s also unbelievable that I just now found out that it is rape. I knew that I still carried pain from what had happened to me in that relationship, but I blamed myself for not being strong enough to just say no. Sexual coercion is real. Here is an article I found that helped me:Here is the article. It gives 5 warning signs that you’re being sexually coerced.