Warning: This story will make me sound like a bitch.
It’s been about two weeks. You could say I’m doing better. The thing is, I’m not used to guys breaking up with me. He was probably right to break up with me; he said it would be better for both of us. He’s probably right. But I can still hate that it happened, right?
My anxiety got in the way of our relationship and so did his lying. The main reason we broke up was my fault though.
I made out with his best friend who is also his roommate.
So yeah, you could say I messed up. I still think I love my ex boyfriend. I do kind of want him back, but then I think of all the pain that relationship caused me. And then I wonder if I would get back with him even if I had the chance. Even then, I did make out with his best friend. Yeah, I might have been really drunk, but I still did it. How much can I even love him if I did something like that?
I’m trying to be strong. I’m not exactly what you would call an independent person. I really want someone there for me. Like constantly. I don’t want to say I’m dependent upon other people, but I probably am. I sort of already have another relationship since I can’t stand to be alone. But it’s different because I know he doesn’t love me like that. I don’t love him like that either. And when I realized we didn’t share those special kinds of feelings, I started missing my ex boyfriend again. And even more. So is that because I couldn’t replace that need for someone? Or is it because I actually miss him? I hate to question my own morals and values, but this is one of those times when I guess I have to.
I’ve already come to the conclusion that no one will ever be able to understand me. The same way that no one can fully understand another person. But why can’t I seem to understand myself?